I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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