looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
