She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
the liver wants what the liver wants
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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