Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
