I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
