I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
