So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
