if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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