The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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