I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
