i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
