with your own penis?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
