I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
