Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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