I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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