I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
