I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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