It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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