Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
