What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
