you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
