I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
