My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
