ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
