I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
