I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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