You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I can't put those talents on a resume
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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