did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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