I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
