So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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