remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
