The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
