the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
