i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
