You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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