I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
