I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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