My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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