JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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