hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
