my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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