my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
