Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
