Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
