I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
