and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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