You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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