eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
