my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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