i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
