i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
