Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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