I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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